Letter to Dylan---Confessions of a mother

Dearest Dylan....
Last night , i thought of writing this letter to you, but i decided i would have been crazy if i got up at 1 am to write rather than to catch my precious sleep. Your face just sparked off so many thoughts in my mind, the way you sleep with your tiny mouth open at this age while lying on my chest after i burp you is just so serene.As i stroked your chubby cheeks, you stirred.You just mean so much to me.....


Last night was your first time out .....i am ashame that i only brought you out at 4 months. In fact you did pretty well. You were prolly a sua ku baby looking at all the people, taking in all the sounds and dazzled by the lights.But i was very proud of you for not crying at all. I hope you do this everytime. Sorry i lost my temper when we got back when you woke up rying from your sleep cause i was very pissed off at Daddy for siding with his mother.cant be help, next time if you are married, i think you would side with me too? Anyway . i just cant stand your granny wanting to carry you in the restaurant and here and there, like trying to show you off...i hate it. i ABSOLUTELY DETEST it. i just want a quiet evening. you by my side. contented. both of us. I DO NOT WANT TO SHARE YOU. am i being selfish , dylan? I really cant help it. I feel irk everytime she carries you . probably because we din hit off right at the very start. Your granny just dun know how to look after you and i feel that she has failed in that aspect. maybe i am stereotyping her, and not being fair , but i just feel , if she does not know how to look after you , then she should stay out of it. TOTALLY. Also , i din like her belittling me , whter intentionally or not, when i first had you . my pride was hurt, and still is , when she praised the maid, while i struggled to learn how to handle you.i just felt so small and helpless and stupid. But i told myself , no i had to learn, i am your mummy!The bitterness also stems from the times when she asks to carry you at the most inappropriate times, that is when you are sleepy and she thinks you want to play.How am i to reject her right? The first few times i gave in to her and the bitterness inside grew, after that i knew i had to be firm . No one understands you more than i do and even till today i am learning..But i do know granny means well ultimately, even though i do not like her and will not like her, i am sure you will enjoy your times with her when you are older.

I really had no encouragement except my own determination to pick up my courage to even pick you up in the first place cause you look so fragile. First was jaudice, then your nose, then you ezcema, then thrush. Wham Wham Wham. they hit me hard. i got so frantic everytime. i cry when i think too much. then i thought , i will never want to let this child suffer like me. having asthma. Not being able to breathe and think that you can die. I had that feeling when walking to school during primary school days , when i suddenly had an attack. i tot i would die right there and then and then being hospitalised in pri 4. :( No , i never will want you to suffer like i did.Never.

N so i must breastfeed. But my milk ss is not encouraging. all the fenugreek, well only 2 caps a day, but i guess i will increase the intake, and the time when i pumped till my nipple bled, and and the bruises and the sore ego cause i know other mothers have more milk. but i will not give up. till you are one. i hope and i really hope i have the perseverance to continue.:) i am getting more milk plus caps soon, and hope that will help.I have turned into a log freak, logging down the amount expressed and logging down every other thing like when you poo, you pee , when you are awake , when you sleep, how much you drink. All that only mummies understand....

You are a lucky child being the first grandson in the family with everyone doting you. But mummy was not grinning by the side. With 9 months or sacred relationship with you , all of a sudden, i had to share you with everyone. I had a hard time adjusting. During the time when i was inconfinement, i had this crazy idea to whisk you away to Ritz carlton so i can rest and look after you . Just da 2 of us...no daddy even.But if i look after you , how i rest. haha... so the postnatal bluish mum gave up the idea.

Dylan... i love u. :) Will want the best for you but i hope that u will grow up to be a fine young man. :) ( secretly i hope i dun end up spoiling you---easier said than done when you are a mummy.i had a longer relationship with you compared to the others, still remember the times you were in my tummy and only wanted to sleep on the left...i had back ache everyday, but i told myself, 3 drjune....all i had to do was 3rd june...and now that you are here....i have gotten myself 18 years of anticipation and learning journey. :) You have really changed my life and daddy's too.

Love, mummy