la vie...... vie... can be quite challenging most times....
why God cant just make everyone the same? Does he think our lives will be much more interesting with more characters around? sigh.

called mom last nite to tell her i am on the way to airport, could sense stg happened at hm. ---she quarrelled w my bro.

and this morning i called her again . to find out wat happened. Apparently she was just sick and tired of my brother's demeanour and his mentality and so started nagging and nagging. then she called him stupid. and it drove him mad....so he grabbed her arm. well. cant comment much. i have been in my brother's predicament before... so i dun blame him . yet i know my mom means well , but she does not know how to drive the point across.....and she always like to cause unhappiness with what she say just because she is not happy w her children. ....there was one point in time in my life tt i wanted to even commit matricide....so you can imagine how bad is that... that is why i refuse to continue to stay w her after 21.

She caused me so much hurt and pain. i bet she is feeling that too. but i dun understand why wld a mother wan her children to feel miserable if she is miserable herself...i certainly wun do tt to my child. i thank god for letting me witness all these so tt i dun repeat such mistakes myself.... :(
sigh. there was this book i read once----the world is made up of positive and negative people. and one's job is just to fill up your life w positive people.....and stay away from the negative. my mom belongs to the latter. after i read the book , i saved my own life . i still think i am very strong to go thru such shit during JC times and uni.... i still remember tt i lugged my piles of clothes to school to put in the counsellor room so she wun throw them away. she was like tt. she know she cant hurt me by words at times, so she wants to hurt me by hurting my possessions... i wish she had another outlet....and then in Uni... she was always making remarks at me. like how come i kept studying so hard. sacarstic remarks like" study so hard, should be study last minute. how to pass" and i shut her up by telling her. well i am not studying to pass---but for an A .

:( ANGST.

Anyway. maybe tt is why my dad left. it takes 2 hands to clap in a marriage. true enough the greater fault lies w him but i guess maybe my mom had a part in her own crime too.

and then .... even till now. she keeps hearing news abt like my dad bought houses in malaysia and tt Joanne is younger than her.. blah blah. well i tell her. shut up . dun tell me anytg cause i dun feel happy listening to it. tt is my policy . if i dun wanna hear and i know it will affect me. dun be stupid to listen. just tell the person. and so.... she was miserable after hearing it and she was angry tt i dun wanna listen to her. well. it is my coping mechanism. if i still take in the news, ( which i already know) what for.....not as if i can do anytg. All i wanna do is just make sure Dad pays for my bro 's school fees. well ...it is his responsibility. and it is my bro;s responsibility to find out abt the form..... sigh. burdens. burdens...my parents never really helped much in my life seriously. maybe only when i was young. and i can count the incidents... if i can count . then it can be quite sad rite?

so is it possible to be a cold blooded person? i dunno... what i mean is to be this stoic person devoided of any feelings towards your close ones... i guess this is gonna be my path tt i will train myself to take. i will not be upset. just like today . after putting down the phone and retaliating by saying-- you this kind of mother, die already, also i wun cry. ... i will not be so weak when handling her anymore. no. no. i give up. Poor eugene. too bad you are stuck w her cause you are not as strong as me to stand up to her and tell her to stop.just fugging stop.