i apologise for my vulgarity last night...:( i was really peeved and tired out.

and so this entry is not gonna be very pleasant. this is gonna be freaking vulgar cause i am not in a good mood. Am i such a bad person ? I really am not that hard to please you know, pls la, pple, i just need you to be more sensitive ok? what happened is that i had trouble falling asleep at 10 pm,and it was 11 pm before i finally tot i could reach lala land and my nose is stuffy , so took medication and jsut when i was about to fall asleep my *******sister in law came back with her prada heels. clang clang clang clang clang up the ****** stairs and then close the ********door tad too loud. i am really a light sleeper and i really need my precious sleep and an hour had already past...THERE I WAS WIDE AWAKE AGAIN. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT SHE DOES THAT. AND EVERY SINGLE NIGHT MY MOTHER IN LAW COMES OUT OF HER ROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND TALKS LOUDLY.i am sorry but my night starts early you know. in case you are wondering why am i such a brat and complaining , it's cause i dun have MY ****** ROOM as it is too small to fit us. cause every furniture is built in and cant be shifted..i have no ******** privacy , no sex with husband, no ways to sleep naked, no chance to express milk, and have to face this shit EVERY SINGLE NIGHT....we sleep in the living room. and my hubby is blessed to be a heavy sleeper.... sigh. so he will not understand the agony i go through. i need my sleep you know, on top of waking every 3 hours to waking up to tend to dylan.and you know what? it is not that i did not tell them nicely to be more silent in doing things. but SOME PPLE JUST DUN ********* GET IT. i tell you , i really feel like screaming in their faces.sob sob sob. boy, am i so wei qu. really i dont mind staying in a 1 room hdb flat if I HAVE MY PRIVACY. lol( throw in a bathtub on top of tt).....oh ya i forgot to add in the cockroaches, the climbing of stairs, ( even throughout my c section healing period)... for this. i enclose a photo, so you all will know what am i yelling about.

the 3 of us.... no bed somemore. SO THERE......NOW YOU KNOW WHY I NEED MY OWN PLACE?

Do you notice how much saliva is being dispensed onto the matress? :P

I love changing my clothes!!!!

i dreamt that dylan jumped on my rice cooker last night...and he had a smug look , wonder if this means anytg.. dont ask me why.. i wonder why too...he woke up last night at 3 am . eyes big big. ( which means i am in deep shit) and then looked around. he was sleepy but not that sleepy to fall asleep. which means deep deep shit. so when i fed him i said my prayer...hiak...then finally after he burped. i laid him down and pat him ..with the pacifier. cross fingers he does not protest.. but the freaking pacifer keeps falling out and his hands keep flying...so i managed his hands first. then they stopped flying after 20 minutes. then i lied down beside him and fell asleep pressing my finger on the pacifier into his mouth. ...poor mummy. all the way till 4.30 am. then again at 6 .30 am , he woke for feed again...

anyway ... i have been eyeing this OMEGA co axial white strap diamante watch. but hell... it cost 16 k.not a loss cause i think the face too big for my skinny wrists. i think i rather buy a rolex.
i was just wondering. when will i be willing to buy any branded goods at all. lol....looked through magazines and saw many nice " It bags" Aigner, Fendi, Chanel.. blah.. but somehow i cant convince myself to buy them..cause i was just wondering if ibuy them at 26 years of age, how much more will i need to satisfy my wants when i reach 30 plus... damn man. i jolly well make sure i have a loving husband HINT HINT, or i earn like much more.i think i rather save up and buy my own place. .....which is more practical.. hopefully that can be done in 3 years time. and hopefully the hike of da property market has fizzled out.

What do you include in your nightly prayer to God .......somehow i just cant believe in what i prayed...who on earth actually prays for this....: Dear Lord, pls let there be no cockroaches tonight........For the past consecutive 2 nights, we have been killing the roaches. yeah those stinky shady hairy legs creatures....Damn disgusting lor. on the first night, i was walking up the stairs and i was waylaid by one... then after it has been caught, i continued to make my way to the loo, who knows, i met with another on the way there....i had to scream quietly ( can you imagine being shocked and not able to scream---cuase dylan was sleeping) for Dear to help me. cause i am absolutely terrified of these oval shaped things.and then one after another....altogether 5 on the first night.

Last night was 4 .....i killed one by throwing a book on top of it. dammit man. some of them escaped our clutches cause they were way too devious and cunning...they scurry away before you can even scream.hiya....then worse cannot spray baygone cause my baby sleeping nearby....

today i am gonna buy 10 of those baygone patches and paste on the wall. just you wait, you motherf******* creatures.

okie ....let's face it.. we all grow old some day. Seems that it finally dawn upon me that i am promoted.Not that i look like a mother now, ( hehe, i still get compliments saying i dont look like i have given birth) but..... mentally, i know , i have to give up some choices and desires of mine. and i have to stay put at home, i want to be there for Dylan, for each and every milestone till he enters nursery, at least.....

After feeding him at 1. 30 am last night, i couldnt sleep. I was thinking about what i read on xiaxue's blog on Girl on Girl and thinking about the producer of Munkysuperstar , Gillian, whom have met with Tracey regarding the casting of An eye for guy... i actually had met Gillian to be auditioned and was supposed to audition....but i went to Tokyo for Holiday. in the end they casted Denise Keller( of course i cant compare w her la) ...:)

and then my thoughts went to another audition which Mark's wife, owner of Eclectic Attic who had asked me to go.....i remembered i went to TCS, and was handed a script to practise for the character of APPLE....turns out that it was the film which Lydia Sum acted in and Apple was her daughter...they prolly din choose me cause i was too skinny.... How can Lydia Sum have a skinny daughter?....

and then i thought about the director of Play music James, which came to RGPS cause one artiste came to the school to perform. He spotted me and asked me for an audition( yet again) ...well you know me, i cant sing chinese songs for nuts... and i believe that the company would not want to spend too much money to groom a totally new artiste. but now how.. i am mother liao leh..

and yet again , when i went to Tokyo,( like 5 years ago) my friend in Universal Music , Gaku, was bent on bringing me into the music scene, brought me to see quite a number of music houses, one of which was ROJAM.. i think they did BOA. but then again, why would they want someone who cant speak japanese....well anyway , i did make some good friends like Ward.

Well bottom line is , i am quite sick of it, i think fate and luck has it, you must be thick skin to sell your talents, and lady luck must shine on you. You cant just depend on looks, and you know me, i donno how to wayang wayang one:) and so ..... no more dreaming!!!!^_^

And so i was thinking and thinking....time passed and unbelieveably, it was soon 3 am plus, time for next feed for Dylan ....

on a lighter note....Dylan has learnt how to roll over into a crawling position!!! hurray. but that spells danger... let's hope he has neck support earlier than most other babies:P Then mama will use baby bjorn and bring you out.

My MIL made my maid cry again this morning....hiya, gek sim..... dont even feel like writing about it cause it is so repetitive. maybe she is getting senile...that is why she loves bugging pple with the most trival of things.

I have learnt that being not so grounded is actually very fun. I used to be a nerd when i was in primary school.... a real need with like 60 assestment book, skip recess to do assestment book, work like mad...nonetheless i did well for PSLE. then i realise what fun i have missed out in the secondary school ....hmmmmanyway , i shall not digress, what i wanna say is that i have rediscovered the joy of DAYDREAMING....i think pple who daydream do not suffer from depression and do not age easily....nowadays...my only escapade is my psyche..my ability to day dream. cause when i feed Dylan , and i burp dylan .....i cant do any other thing except to day dream. ( yeah i can watch tv, but i dont wan) ... and day dreaming makes me smile big time. allows me to think about the times i travel to Japan alone, the atmosphere.....the language. ...wah shiok!. lol.....then....back to reality again . I think my next holiday wont be anytime soon.... i want to go to Tokyo again, this time staying at the Grand Hyatt at Ropponggi... ..lol really... and i will make it come true.

You know what is the biggest bugger i have discovered when feeding Dylan... it is when you have both your hands tied up and YOUR NOSE START TO ITCH.....goddammit man.... AND YOU CANT SCRATCH........ omg.... you know how that feels? Enough said.

music playing is Joey's.....given to me by Danielle, my ex student in RHS before i left HK.... i can only understand 70 % of the songs.... given that they are in cantonese... now i am looking at the lyrics, trying to learn new words from the songs... i really miss the opportunity to use cantonese, just like japanese and french. i realise that it makes no sense trying to learn them when i am not able to use the. I have no one to communicate with me in them....You know i used to speak in japanese , i mean at least simple sentences , to myself, for the sake of hearing them . Hahah. of course i am not one of those 'on' ones who will join the activities organised by the Japanese association , much less now, given that i have Dylan......but i think i will let Dylan learn french when he is older so i can speak to him...Wont that be fun....question is : will he be linguistically inclined like me, or mathematically inclined like daddy.... hmmm. no choice forcing him right?

Let's see.....music, french, swimming , golf .......poor kid. Lol....

I call this the dreamy chee ko pek smile....

Yipee....i like the face of my new blog so much better. it is so much easier to navigate m the pictures glow and easier to read ....Right?

Anyway....i had only a tuition in the morning...so it's rest time for mama now. Dylan is sleeping now, after his talk time...Yeah , i have to spend time to baby talk him and it is reallyfun cause he response each phrase with a smile, a raspberry or a coo.....Your heart just melts when he does it.... He has also outgrown most of his PJs , so my mom came over to bring some new ones.....She was told by my MIL not to buy the colour Yellow....cause my MIL Dylan cant sleep if he wears yellow....WHAD CRAP RITE..? anyway...nevermind...it;s so stupid , sooooo stupid that i dont want to argue with her. lol. Maybe when he is at his next stage of outgrowing his clothes i will buy all the yellow stuff....HAHHAHA.Whad crap again cause yellow is such a cheery colour and it is so boring to see him in white and blue .....Fortunately he can wear some of the H and M clothes i bought in HK for him.....one of which has a caption on the tshirt which says" MY DAD IS STRONGER THAN YOURS"

Look !!! I am all smiles......



A minute later.....

si bei jia lat.....CIFH dropped sooo much. hiyah. luckily the fundamentals are good if not i am sure to freak out.

This morning , my ex tuition kid came to my plaice for tuition, yeah , ex tuition kid cause that is before i left for hong kong... now the mom wants me to teach her again , and offered to bring her over....the mom is an Indonesian chinese, so she sat in the living room and talked to my maid while looking at Dylan... after tuition , we chatted abit about living in Gillman heights, and she asked about my MIL...i told her what happened , she also complained about hers....seems that so far, i have yet to hear about a good MIL. good in the sense as in she treats the daughter in law fairly , just like her own.

My mother in law used to be so worried on what i eat for lunch everyday when i was preggie w Dylan , now , she does not even give a damn( not that i care, but at least pls remember to buy some groceries if e maid has to cook lunch)....wait till i tell her that what i eat goes into my breast milk and goes to Dylan....aint it sly? sigh,....but i am sick of eating not decently everyday, but i live away from the market, i dont drive, and the time i have , have to be spent on looking after Dylan. Maybe if i get fed up , i will drag WL to the wet market every weekend and force him to buy fresh food to stock up and soon it will be made known to my MIL that her daughter in law and maid need to eat properly .... dont ask me to tell my MIL directly, how to tell? " ma, i think we need to stock up the fridge.?" hiyo...... you not pai seh meh? so here i am sitting in my room eating fried rice from yesterdays leftover white rice....


anyway. Dylan discovered a new style of sleeping ....he will lie on me but on his bolster too. Confusing? Okie...i will try take a pix n show you guys.........

I can bite if touch @ e wrong spots. sooooooo good quality sleep deprived. last 6 nights was 2 hours sleep then wake consecutively. tonight is me break, and fri night. then sat night back to mama again. i cant bear the tot of dylan growing up in future and wanting to sleep w the maid, so i have to tahan!!!!. worse!!!!i breastfeed, so cant drink coffee. that means i was off coffee my best fren for a year already!!!OMFG.

NOW NOW.... actually aint that bad, at least i aint working full time, so i can balance my time w Dylan, compared to the working mummies who have to leave their babies w the sitter or maids, worse, one of my tuition kid's sister sleeps w the maid and the mom works . fortunately, the baby is not stuck to the maid. My mom keeps creating this f****ing scene in my head saying that Dylan will be stuck to the maid cause she has BO. oh god oh god, i cant let that happen , yet i need help, so close one eye sometimes....../

in case you find me in coherent, pardon me, this prose is too abstract huh, then too bad la, it is just me letting out again. i have to, else i will go nutz.
anyway yesterday afternoon i manage to go for tuina at Holland village, AND accupunture for my poor wrists. it is quite disturbing to see my wrist twitch when the doc put electrocutes on the needles. ugh.

BUT!!!!. it is better already :)

now , i must get more pao sim to eat. still need to tahan for 2 more months and hopefully dylan can drop the night feeds. whadda pig, i try to give him more during the last few feedings, and he still wakes up!!!!

Thunderstorm last night, so Dylan slept in my room . Sigh....my wrists hurt so much these days. Like when i wake up in the morning, the whole arm will be limp, no control over it.Die la!!!!!Dear took MC ( unbelievable....tsk) today, so i think i will sieze the opportunity to head to holland v for a massage.

By the way, i think Personality wise, Wl is a clone of Homer Simpson... but he aint as sweet as homer!!!!!

That aside, while feeding Dylan at 3.45am last night, it dawn upon me again that i am in for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG journey, looking at Shyan's nephew Luke's pix made me green with envy on how he has reached that milestone already. So much fun already. but right now i still have to struggle with the fundamentals like clipping of the nails for Dylan which we take for granted as adults. Even have to use the nasal aspirator to suck out his mucus cause he is still a baby and incapable of blowing his own nose. ....." dylan dylan" .... like how the maid and i always chant, is really still a baby. Such an innocent child.

YET!!!!!

He already has shown his preferences of postures to be carried, how to be burped, to be put to bed..... and how to show disdain when made to drink water...his innocent face will crumple and display a gazzillion creases surrounding a tiny yet widely opened mouth which amazingly sirens the loudest cry ever to be heard. .......


i intend to wean him off the pacifier asap as i am quite sick of it dropping off and the siren sounding ....

Today is the first morning that when i put Mr zhai on my lap and sang to him , he responded after each song.:) And before he was too tired and started grumbling, i put him down to bed and he started sucking his fist again, so i check if he wanted his dummy, nope, he used his tongue and pushed it out, and then , started on the fist again, and he started getting grumpier....so i picked him up , it shut him up a while, and then i offered to nurse. He took it in like a shark. then i offered the dummy and he spat it out, din want the dummy. After which i got ready the milk...........so much so for this morning's play time....:)

Anyway. my MIL who offered to look after last night, took her pillows and went up to sleep in her room at midnight AGAIN!!! and took her pillows back down at 6 am again...WTF. so childish. trying to lie to me for what....tired say tired. I din ask you to look after in the first place, in fact , i appreciate you offered to help , but not in such a way!!!!

WITNESS THE FEASTING OF MR BOLSTER

Da reason why i am able to blog here tonight was cause i was chased up by my MIL who came downstairs when wl and i are already snoring away blatantly declaring she wants to look after DYlan tonight. I was thinking " WTF, you wanna look after, you tell me earlier la.....". I know some of you are thinking i should appreciate her help , but then again , she always does this and then half way through aroudn 1 am or so , she will go back into her room and sleep ......leaving the maid alone with Dylan. and then so i said ," it's okay , we will do it tonight, how about tomorrow night, you do it ? " Then she squatted down beside me and Baby and talked to the baby * when he is asleep* and then went upstairs. I went back to sleep only to be woken up minutes later when MIL arrived with her bolster and her pillow!!!WTF!!!!!
hiyah......she doesnot give up does she.. hiyo. why she so funny one, she wants to look after i appreciate, really , but then again , at least tell us earlier and so you dont disrupt pple;s planning, ( next time i will ask her if any of her such acts will occur again) and then also you wanna look after , you dont disappear half way thru the night!!!!!!GOOD GRACIOUS....

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i brought Dylan to mom;s place yesterday cause i have appt with her hairdresser to dye my hair... yeah i dyed it light brown:P .... and mom was soooooo nice to me. she massage my wrists and insisted i paste plasters on them . :( it is funny to have your mom massaging you when you are so old. so ironic, cause she is the one that is suppose to ache. mommy i love you ya know. :P

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YAY! I JUST REALISED IT.
MY BLOG IS ONE YEAR OLD!!!!!

i am so very fatigued.... tres tres fatigue no matter how much me sleep . How come? Actually i wanted to go swimming cos the sun was good today but the tot of leaving Dylan w the maid , just made me feel guilty again. I always have trouble to psycho myself to go out and leave the baby w the maid. Oh yeah. I bought Prince hours....and Andang is also very addicted to watching it. must be careful,lest she watches it while i am out and look after baby, but not a bad idea, at least it will keep her in the living room WITH THE BABY... so then again , i might just leave the VCD there when i am out.

hiya. just realise i can make flyers and advertise my tution services in Gillman heights, but I AM GETTTING SO GODDAMN LAZY.;(. so angry at myself. i donnt why . let me reiterate, and Oh i am so sorry if you are reading this over and over again. MAMA IS SOOOOOOOO TIRED. and boy i am lucky that i have 2 other pair of hands looking after him. and thought one of the pair of hands (MIL)aint that much of a help , but still i appreciate it.





Ethan also came over today and created a mess when he spilled the basin of water onto the floor. HE has such itchy hands. and apparently all one year old are like that....Dammit. i will have to put off my job till Dylan is around 2, or either that i have to put him at my mom's place, where it is smaller, so it is not sooooooo dangereux and i can pick him up after work.... i think i will do just that. i trust mama. and by then DYlan wun have to drink milk every hour and ask to be carried. so i wun worry about tiring my mum out. Oh yeah. it is funny how i refer to my mom as mummy and now i have to call her popo infront of Dylan. HIYAH. not used to it....:(