Sometimes i just feel so worried. No one will ever understand unless they have been a mom before.

I am my best. I take care of myself, and why did it have to happen to me? Yeah i know no such thing as perfect ...but i WANT IT TO BE PERFECT!!!!

woke up and had the runs ---twice. went to school. Was freezing cold. and it does not help w the temp being 19 degrees too. and was getting weaker and weaker in school. and then i had the runs again. went to the sick room to take my temp. 36.9 bloody hell. was sure the cold temp brought my fever down. it was in disguise. then later i had headache and was freezing cold and weak. still taught. and gave homework and lotsa instructions. and told my monitress to bring the class down for lunch as i was really weak. stayed in class to rest. did not eat. just ate 2 strawberries. gave the rest to the kids. had the runs thrice again i think. think i wanted to die........but tolerated till 3.45pm told elaine i cant do the bus duty and when i touched her hand she got a shock . she said i was ice cold. yeah . i was!!!!!. grabbed a cab ( fortunately at the top of the hill) and went home. struggled to make myself a cup of milo w/o milk . had the runs again. called my doc. he said it is ok. as long as i have no fever. i could not be sure. i din have a thermometer then . so i called dear to buy. was crying cause i was really scared and weak and everytime i stood up straight, i have abdominal pains. but fortunately itis high up. not near the foetus. touched my forehead often and was convinced i had a fever.... i took a pot , poured wated in it, put ice cubes and sponged myself. either i swim or sink. have to fight it myself cause dear wun be home till 6 plus. .......fell asleep for half an hour.

then he finally came back. he cooked congee for me. just plain one. and i had it with beancurd, the preserved type if you know what i mean . he had congee too w cai xin.
i took panadol cause my headached was splitting. i sponged myself 3 times... called the doc again , and he said that the fever should go down . i had a case of food poisoning. searched the net and the book on it. they said it could harm the foetus and cause miscarriage. din help my morale at all. was so sad inside.sigh. but i guess i have to be positive.

anyway. i just had breakfast macaroni in chicken broth. ordered delivery from PANTRY. www.pantry.com.hk ....a sausage( which i shouldnt cuase it is oily) and milo again. i had the runs twice again. but i am sure glad the fever is down. poor child of mine. :( mommy really feels sorry .

I am so irritatable today. first, i cant brush my teeth in peace , next i can't shit in peace, what sparked off is bloody MAN U playing last night that made dear wanna stay up and watch and then getting into bed late and i woke up . i hate to wake up!!!!!!i want to sleep through. it is bad enough having to wake up to pee everynight.:( and dreams.

and i was very sure something will happen today and guess what? it did!!!> i fell down! while i was walking down the slope because my bloody shoes did not give that good a grip . dammit man. fug....:( i am so angry with myself. luckily nothing happen. actually it is all that dog's fault. i was distracted by the big dog infront of me w that ang mo woman, then the next thing. my left palm and my right knee were on the ground breaking the fall. dammit dammit. i was so scared. worried i might start bleeding there or something.( you know those things you see on TV). but i sustain bleeding on right knee and left palm only . and to make matters worse. i did not have tissue. nevermind. at least i am home now.

sob sob sob sob sob. my poor child. luckily nothing happen to you .

Some jokes at 11.40 pm on Sat

Am feeling nauseous these days.....:( wonder why. Isnt the sickness suppose to stop at the end of the first trimester???? hmmmmThink i am getting way too excited ...at the end of 11 weeks, but consider myself 12 weeks.. soon soon sooon.....

Ate at Shanghai la mian today . had tomato and salted pork porridge. have a craving for porridge nowadays... cant really stomach some other food. like the KFC i ordered tonight, did not eat much....horrible chicken breast meat. so hard...

went to sasa and bought 3 lovely lip balm. made from paraffin wax. strawberry , peach and red currant flavour. only using the red currant. think i am giving the other 2 away... also bought a bag . a big brown leather bag 70 SG. good buy i think. :) should carry a camera around...

yeah. i will get my butt ard to do it.

i went to the gynae again for appt and this time i could see my baby's face and limbs!!!! Baby was bouncing up and down when the doc pressed the probe against my tummy, but then this time he said I did not drink enough water so the utrasound could not be bounced back clearly....so we had the vprobe. this time we could ehar the heartbeat!!!!160 per min....sounds like the MRT train on the tracks before it stopped....really fast. supposedly it is twice of mine. also I tested for down syndrome:) and everything went well:) really relieved and happy...( Wed)

And on thurs, i went to Cocoon again to see how my gown is like and take the measurements. dear dear had his taken too. i decided to rent it, and let him buy. at elast for his , i think he can wear his tux again , but who the hell wears the gown again??? waste of money. so i rather rent. ( Thurs) ...had beef straganoff and russian oxtail borscht soup...the soup was yum but had a bit of indigestion after that , did not finish my beef straganoff so i just ate my mash potatoes...

( Fri) was feeling sick again. these few nights, although i need not work, not very restful cause i keep having dreams.....not nightmares but i keep waking up every freaking hour or so..:( sob sob. and i feel nauseous this morning!!!! i thought i was supposed to wean that off already???:((((( uso! sigh. but the highlight of the day was that i finally got my pearl necklace and bracelet from MADIA.CC at IFC. They are fresh water and off white and roughly about 500. aside from that also got a diamond ring. i mean the design is really exquiste, dear dear agreed to. i guess that is the most exorbitant item i bought then. guess how much? 19000 hk ...it was at first 21000, but had discount from HSBC.so about 4 k sg. told dear dear i will pay 2 k .

did not go to school today....
had lunch with dear dear. i wore my prettiest :P heheh a white cami and a yellow silk skirt. and beige trench coat....had lunch at cafepalace ...had scallop truffles soup while he had oxtail bisque, and my main was salmon and calm pasta in cream sauce, while he had pan fried sea cod.


yum yumm......then went to mikimoto to look at pearl necklace....saw a signature classic one 7.8 to 8 in size and about 15 inch long. was about 26 k hk. dammit. but it was sturdy and a good keep ,contemplating it. then went to tiffany thinking it would have been cheaper...and to my disappointment it was not as sturdy---the hold, but the size 8 was a good looker. was freaking 120 k though. dammit. so it is out of the question. mikimoto is good enough, but i think i will look at chomel in sg. if i can get a similar, no point buying the 26 k one. that is one months salary!!!!!!siao.


called mom on the way back and got pissed off again. she never fails to piss me off...z:( always comingup with new custom. dammit. how come people get married must give money to the whole goddamn world instead of people giving money to them . do you know weddings are expensive and i dun shit money.? how come i must give money to my brother and her? NO WAY!

and i reiterate. this is not a mood swing.

and i am not gonna let her look after my kid incase she thinks i owe her a big favour. hey mom you know what, what i am todayis 70 per cent of my own while the 30 percent is yours which comes from my earlier years. i dun believe i owe you and dad anything , except giving me food and shelter. call me selfish or an ungrateful wretched but i believe that you guys are horrible parents . horrible horrible horrible that dun plan much for me or give me good advice with regards to my future, thatnk goodness i have my own brains to plan., and not forgivng you dad for making me so badly wanting a scholarship so i dun have to owe you any university fees. else i would prob be working in a fugging bank also.

had stupid meeting in school which is very disorganised and went on till 5 thirty. damn and it is dark already cus it is winter. shared cab back with colleagues ....went home to discover the delivery man came at 10 thirty . of course i would not be home. i immediately called them to lash out at them . stupid fool., i already indicated in the evening. and who will be home in the morning. dammit. and i demanded they come the next day instead when they suggested wed. damn damn. luckily my cantonese is improving.so i can scold people. good training.

have big headache.....another point before i sleep . i must not pass my kid to my mom to look after when i have given birth.....mad at her. dun think she will be a good grandma.whole day just think of money!ironically i still love her. i hate the feeling when i am suppose to hate someone. yet i cant do so. dammit. stupid mom.

Sian......totally sian. slept at 10 plus, dear came back with my mee rebus and meesiam but i din even feel like eating. ***** up. i only ate the egg!!!!!!!!!!! can you believe that?

sigh. :( and mee siam is in the fridge. but one thing that made me happy for the baby is that i have bird's nest now. i think i am gonna be a kia su mom. ..anyway, before i write about this morning, i just remembered he proposed....yeah after his shower. he came out , got down on his knees, and then asked me to marry him, i was a bit surprised but now totally cuz he is always that goofy. anyway.....THERE IS NO RING!!!!!!!!!!!!. and so , i told him he must propose another time when we get the ring. hehhehe. 2 proposals.

but sian again this morning, woke up . ben and dear went macau. AGAIN!!!!. dun bother about him , as long as he does not w/d from credit card. and then, me woke up at 7 plus , then 8 plus then finally the bloody alarm rang. woke up and i drank a $100 worth of birds nest from the bottle, then went downstairs to buy my cheese, bacon and egg muffin. :( . not full. so small. maybe i feel sian cus i am still not full.

i have mbl later, but called to say i was sick. of course i lied. i really cant drag myself out anymore and put on a smile and sing children's songs and blah blah....:( michelle has not called back , let's see how later.......

Kind of life If je ne pas travaille.......


1) I do not want to be worrying about money
2) I want to wake up whatever time I can and drive to botanical jardin with my baby and eat breakfast.
3) I want a dog .
4) I want to be able to learn my french and jap at my own pace and make my child learn* devilish laugh* and have s/him practise with me. heehehe. To hell w dear.
5) Jazz piano ... need I say more.
6) Still look good. hehheh. and be able to bake and cook for my family.
7) Take afternoon naps.
8)Spend more time w my mom....bring her for holidays. ( so must have money)


Next question is how much money I need before I can ever do that? Can I ever strike a balance?


Below is an email from a 10 year old kid .... She has that ideal job....I used to have that..... Only to be let down...so I think those people who really love their jobs and be paid a damn lot are reallly lucky... even if you dun like your job ,you must be paid a damn lot, else you be a loser, how will you ever retire?? sigh.

sorry,exams just passed. i didnt do that well but better than mid year. maths,91 highest score. english,92. chinese 88.5,,big improvement. sience,97.5 cool, right?
so about my jokes,my fathers friend gave it to him.he gave em to me. the effie issue is going great! we couldnt stay mad at each other long.
enough about me, how have you been?what do you work as?if your job is stressful, than stamp right out of that door. . . free. cause my idea of a job is doing something you enjoy ,seriosly. and the best part is that you get paid to do it. my dream is to become a fashion designer! my clothes are going to be cheap,but not look cheap.or an architect. i could build wonderful mansions, either way everyone will get to know my name,and i get paid big time! i like to be my own boss.good luck with work. . . quuuuuuuuuiiiiiittt! bye!

After Sunset and Before Sunset.....

have you watched the beautiful 2? such mind engaging flims......especially the latter.....reminds me of what a cynic i have become in love after my parents divorce and 2 of my horrible r/s that made me actually engaged the coping mechanism of erasing the memories... i thank God for that i only remember certain parts of it. These 2 adults ( esp the guy) is complaining about their lives, musing how they are not contented about it , frequency of Sex for the guy , and how the confused dame wants to be loved and love , yet cant be around any men . crazy but yet it is true. Humans are always contradictory. We tell people we want that, but when we have it , we want something else.....My main worry is my marriage, not that i have no faith in it but that I want it to work out till I die. I want to be like an old lady and have him hold my hand or feed me or pinch my cheeks( of course by then it will be sunken) . Dont you feel tres joie everytime you walk past such old couples..?

Stuart cried in front of me in the staffroom while doing his Maths, i guess he was burnt out by not being able to cope with his school work and deluding himself into thinking he cannot cope. .. after some encouragement, it was ok.....however , i am quite shocked.


Yay dear coming back tommorow.....tommorow , i have a picnic .... be off at 12. 30. yay again!

okie...i had to eat dinner cus wl had to stay back in the office ...that means no one to eat dinner w me for the entire whole week cus he is going back to sg ... damn and that is not what piss me off. what piss me off is that that lady boss of his actually ordered 5000 hk dollars worth of pizza . what a waste!. damn 1 k of pizza for 15 people. huh!????? i mean yeah there were ang mohs but do they eat THAT much? BANKERS....just irritates me. argh.the way they earn so much and the way they spend. damn damn so unfair. no wonder the whole world wants to get into banking industry. cus that is where the money is. and WE KNOW IT. yeah... seriously.... if you have that much money , dun flaunt too much then you earn my respect. and since you DO EARN THAT MUCH . go do some volunteer work . ahah. am i asking for alot.?

sometimes when i pass bala or velvet , i ask myself ...are the same old dudes just gonna stay and hover ard there till they are 40( mind you ..... some of them actually are!)? used to hang out w a few of them and i realise that yeah . they were basically just winding down. but somehow....they actually also knew that they could not be doing that every fri. .. booze and gers. booze and gers. empty stuff. it is fine if you just hang ard for a few drinks. every one needs some company at the end of the day , esp when you are a swinging single living alone. but . the gers part.... could be scrape.

okie..... that's enuff of the topic.


i was in the tub just now thinking trying to let the reality sink in more. --- that i am a mom now. sigh. more responsibilities.....


here is a list that i made again...
a list of things that i stop/start doing when i am a grown up ....

1) i learnt to eat by myself in the public.....used to be shy. cus i always think people are staring..esp in NUS arts fac. but as time goes on , for survival sake , i had to eat. i learnt to eat in coffee shops during breaks between tuition.
2) i outgrown the love of the synthetic electronic organ and developed the love for the authentic original sounding piano.
3) i knew i must not go under the sun w/o sun screen --- but still lazy and forgetful to apply , and so i just helped my cells by not going sun tanning.
4) i adopted the love of just lying down on the couch or bed listening to music. not necessarily w any company or wine. ;)
5) i have grown the love for beer.----only heineken , calsberg , or jap beer,etc.BUT!!!!!not ever tiger. horrible tasting.and bien sur,...i have stopped now.
6) I HAVE NOT STOPPED---shopping, or started putting on moisturiser, or foundation --i think they will clog my pores, i have not learnt how to make my bed, and i am glad i am not living w my mom who nags at that,

more more... will add if i think of some more
7) i still have not stayed in park hyatt tokyo, gone to kyoto on my own , seen sakura, been to france, spain, greece, plucked any real berries , learned french and jap fully , mastered photography, cook curry and fish , and learned jazz piano.so i must not ever die yet. i have yet to named my kid. oh ya. and when i grow old -- like my mom . i must learn dancing again.



oh ya, this brought back the most horrible insult ---that i am ajack of all trades , masters of none... by that lim koon lan bitch who retired from rgps already . ( who never got married) you see gers who dun get laid and married by a certain age should be put down , because they can turn cranky ---just like the lady boss of wl who ordered 1 k of pizza. yeah . lim koon lan said that.-----cus she was wondering why ami alwasy so busy in rgps , and scramblin outta there at 1 pm always... my dear... that is cus the school dun pay me well and i have to work . and guess what i make a good lot of money outta it enuff to pay my bond and more, while also teaching my kids well in rgps. for you info ,... they are the second top class for english. and noooooooo. you dun look at that!!! you just look at what fame can i bring to rgps or if i am punctual for meetings. damn you . tight arse anal. i dun feel guilty at all. i do not owe you any explanation. and you dun deserve the 600 k pension the gov't pays you. dammit. so unfair.


crimson RED

OKIE...back from diner.after i went grocery shopping AGAIN .....another 40 bucks.....sigh. i have been spending alot of money on groceries. dammit man. cant help ....:( i tell you that is whypregnancy is so expensive.---it is because of the food we preggies eat. not the operation or whatever. i guess the food we eat throughout the 9 months can be comparable to the amt for surgery....cost about 4 k in SG but 35 k hk here so 7k sg in hong kong.....

i just realise i have insurance cover for one of my policies. wooohooo.. will check it out.

any way. i think i am working throughout.... and will work till prob avril then stop rest....

here is the list that i hope to do while idling.:

1) watch more korean drama
2) brush up on my french vocab/ jap vocab. ----i give up on grammar. heheh
3) do some photoshop----do up some pretty photos from my wedding to decorate the house
4) ( only in my dreams) learn how to bake..... i guess i will more likely end up learning how to cook curry , and fish. more important. :)

cest est par maintenant! :)

anyway. had a good day today.
woke up at 8 plus to say bye to dear and Ben .
then ate cornflakes, raisins and kueh lapis , and then watched a bit of tv . then went to sleep again .

later i woke up at 11 . 30 took a hot shower then went to work ....

it was okie at mbl , but pissed off cause i do not agree with the way they run the school . some students are actually really good at piano playing. but yet , they are re enrolled again at the next module which is simpler. stupid. . cant the school just let them move on to higher grade. stupid. waste and cheating people ofmoney.

anyway. winston's daddy asked for my number cause they are looking for a [rivate tutor. i just gave it to them . did not bother about telling them i was preggie.later will do.

then took the mini bus home at 2 plus and bought crabmeat linguine and corn soup for lunch.
was yummy but the crabmeat was a bit salty and the corn soup was chinois style...would have preferred the anglais style ya know..

then ate in front of the tv and watche seven swords....flipped thru cam cam jap magazines are realised i cant wear pencil skirts anymore. i cant button up . my tummy is getting bigger....damn ...but anyway... looking forward to the new. me... heheh

talking about children. i have this kid in mbl called simon who keeps smellign me affectionately. so funny. dunno why. he will run and run when the music is played, then suddenly he will grab my arm and sniff at me. i mean really sweetly. so sweet huh. weird. but i am a bit wary if he having snuffy nose. do not wanna catch the flu bug againg:)

sigh. think i gonna sleep some more. nothing to do anyway. i lost the passion to pick up a language book to study . get tired... think i will do so when i rest in april or may june july...:) at least it gives me something to do yeah. ?;)

okie okie. i have never been so star struck in my entire whole 26 years. i was in the same lift as edison chen!!!!! bloody hell . i cant believe my luck and he talked to me first!!!!
he asked if i was going to the 3 rd floor bridal shop. and i started babbling........ i said i was not local and then i said that i know who is he and i dunno how to react and say. and i blush big time. damm....and then the lift door open.

he is damn cute . and he was dressed in berms and he has a polka dot black hand phone bag haning from his berms.
damn . i am going to be smiling the whole night.
okie let's put it this way. he is overtaking the place food in my psyche.

http://blog.honeyee.com/edison/

FOOD!

YEAH....food is da only thing on my mind when i wake up to pee at night , when i sleep , when i get up and when i go to sleep. what the heck. and i am still skinny. argh. i must have my mee rebus, roto prata, mee siam, and chicken bake rice and ikea meat balls,( oh shit i should go and check it out in hk too) and my mom's white promfet fish, and soup and teo chew porridge and blah blah...:( feel so miserable ..!!!argh! i am going crazy thinking about it.

well at least todya's lunch is not too bad. i had cream of broccoli and chicken wrap again. w spinach. see i try to be healthy . really i try!!!! and it's too bad if the bloody baby does not get it. and i am taking my folic acid and my vit c and really took lotsa rest and on top of tha. try to organize a wedding for myself .:) see. like today . i slept at 12. 4o pm plus then woke up at 3 plus to call the shops and make appts for the rest of the week. i have to go down to Tsim sha Tsui to check out this st call Kimberly road to check the prewedding photos.

and i did a check list.cost will be about 30 k ...hmmm...la argent la argent. see i told you . those people who say money dun mean a thing are out rite lying. w/o money . you cant even get married. sigh. everything cost money. you even have to give the justice of peace money. think next time i wanna be a justice of peace. can eat wedding dinner and get ang pao. hahaha.

wedding check list :

1) la menu , the decor, the size of tables, the ring pillow, the dummy cake, the guest book
2) the wedding band , the ring
3) pre wedding photo, oil painting, gown rental
4) custom make gown / suit and fitting.
5) videography and photography on that day.--- check out lettherebelight.com i think they are very good
6) wedding favours
7) wedding invites and guest RSVP ...considering. i am calling them from hk .but really happy that alot of them are so happy for me. think i am pregnant and emotional but i am really touched.
8) hair and make up
9) Rental of jewellery
10) finding a justice of peace.


more of less settled everything:)

La vie est Belle!!!!!! Tres marveleux!! If i got that right:)


I am now getting used to work again after that long break , and am used now to taking care of my body . I am still having the runny nose but at least i eat healthily ....vit c, folic acid, vit b supp, and wheat drink , milo , frsh milk , whole meal bread, and i cook my food.. :) hehehe. proud of myself.

actually pissed at mom for not coming over to hk to help me , i i figure i will do it on my own , she is not that strong too , so just let her stay in sg .w her doc appts,and my pampered bro. argh.. wash my hands off him . that silly guy. ....i need to source for birds nest to drink now. cant believe i spend 200 bucks on cordeceps and then dint take . i dun think i wanna mix the medicines w the vits. not good for kid.


also in the midst of getting hold of my frens to come to my wedding. really glad how most of them agree. especially those who you have not kept in touch for long but they are always there to share your joy. :) really happy . indescribable ya know. geese did i spell that right>

and on top of that i have to source for so many things for the wedding!!!. damn. it is really so many a thing to do. decor, la musique, gown , pre wedding photo, haird do , jewellery , gifts, tables, la menu, cake blah blah......but i guess it will be worth it in the end. :)

ohhhhh. i need to get the invites out soon.....

dear chose a very tekong menu.. , cold cuts sharksfin and crab roe, and one piece of abalone, and peking duck , yam prawns and scallops , noodles and pudding for desert. some of my favs, yum yum. :)

okie. time for my aft nap. so sleepy.